Well....I acted on that friend.......now i'm getting married. Its crazy sometimes how things come about. I finally saw that everything i cared about in karla was a lie. It was a mask she was putting on so i would like her. When she removed that mask i saw the ugly bitch others had told me of. Now i'm with my fiance and happier then ever. I'm gettin back in church, my music is comin back to me, I'm findin those right friends that i needed, and everything's falling into place. Its awesome how God works sometimes. No........its awesome how God works EVERY TIME. All it took was for me to say.......OK God....I need help! Wow.........i should have said that a long time ago. I'm still not completely there yet, but.....with time i will be. Jessica told me the other day that she didn't wanna marry me if i didn't go to church. Now how's that for a slap in the face. That's one of the reasons i know that with her it will work. I've never been so madly in love before...........not a day has passed by that i haven't seen her since the 4th of July and all i can think of is when i will get to see her again. I've spent every day with her but 1 or 2 and every moment i spend with her, i fall even more in love with her. I can't wait to start my life with her as my wife. Well.......I'm gonna sign off cuz i gotta go see my beautiful fiance tomorrow and go to church with her!

                                                            JRS 

I am starting to see that to have something good, you must first experience something bad. For me, this is extremely hard to see. Though my bad times have overwhelmed the good times, I am learning to appreciate the good ones more. I've also found that through every bad time, there is always a thread of light somewhere to pull you out. It may be hard to find, but no matter what, its always there. I'm glad i've found that. My feelings were blinding me so i could see no good in anything anymore. Now that i've stopped thriving on the bad, the good is shining through once more. I've spent some time with a friend i didn't know i even had. Its wierd how things come about. Who knew that my heart break would bring me a friend such as this. Its awesome what bad things can bring sometimes. Its awesome to see how mysteriously God can work. Though I am not over Karla, I know that this will help.

            More and more I'm getting out and doing things i used to. Though my depression is still overwhelming at times, I think I've finally learned to cope with it. For some, its drugs and alchohol and such, for me, its knowing that no matter what, God has someone just for me somewhere. Though I always saw myself getting married early and starting a family, I'm coping with the fact that that may not be God's plan for me. If it is, it will happen when its supposed to, and how its supposed to.

            Ok..........dilemma time. I've been seeing a "friend" lately. sort of like "dates" but not really. The only thing is, I'm not even half way over Karla. Another, my bestfriend has a thing for her and....she's my x's friend. Should I act on it for myself, or let it be and never know anything. She's sweet and we seem to have alot in common, but.....I'm still hooked on another. I think with time....and i do mean time, something could be there. She's attractive(extremely) sweet, and has a heart of understanding. So it seems anywyz. I can be really bad at tryin to read into things moreso then i should. To add to this, I talked to Karla, and she told me things would never be the same and we don't have a chance in getting back together. Its odd that i don't hate her for telling me this, but something tells me not to. So here's the question, should i stay hooked and not even try to really get over her, or forget about everything and act on this "friend"? Its a little difficult knowing that she's friends with an X and my bestfriend has had a thing for her since i can remember. But....if truly he's my friend, and he knows that nothing would come of the 2, then would it still be right to act on this? Maybe i should go with my gut. My gut's tellin me to go for it and that it would be good for me to see other ppl. But then i have that little heart voice that says....no no no, Your still hooked on me remember. I think i'll go with my gut this time. For the heart can be a deadly weapon to me sometimes. Not saying that my heart isn't at all in this, because i could never completely ignore such feelings, but its more that i want to see where my gut will take me. Maybe something good. I can only hope.

            When I think of my life, I often think of that Garth Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers". I often pray and hope for things that don't come true. I know that in my heart, when i find that "one" i will thank God for all those unanswered prayers. I guess i just need to stop rushing and sit back and take a ride for once. I'm gonna go with....the opportunities that arrise. I mean..... i did it Tuesday and it seems as though i've found that "friend". But this time..........I will let everything progress naturally. If its supposed to happen it will...if not....it won't. And if its to only open my eyes to a different road, then let it be so.

 I pray that through the bad.....I continue to see the good and not let the depression win.

                                                               JRS

      Dreams, hopes, wishes, goals; They are all placed in our minds for a reason. I've often thought on these and thought....there's no way a guy like me could ever succeed in such things. Many times i've given up on chances or glimpses of coming close. I've dreamt of being a father, a husband, a musician, going to college and working with autistic children. When I try to think about it....all i can see is dreams that will never come true, something that isn't possible for a regular guy like me. Then I think.....some dreams do come true. But it is impossible for a dream to come true if one has given up. Maybe i should fight for my dreams, for the ones i care about, for me. All my life i've settled for the easiest. Never trying to exceed expectations or to do my best. Maybe its time to do what my heart tells me. Should i stop throwing my life away and work for what i want, or settle for what's given and try to make the best of it. I know that there will always be something there that i can get by with, but i know that inside, its not what i want for my life.

             I want to get married, have kids(to the right person of course), make music, write love songs to my wife, live for me, live for my wife, live for my children, live to help others, be who i'm supposed to be. But that makes me wander. Who am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to be this man i dream of being. What are dreams but goals you try to achieve. From this day foward, I'm gonna try my hardest to live my dreams. It may take time(the whole wife and kids thing of course) but one day, i wnat to look back at my life and be able to say that i lived my dream. I want to say that i was the man that i wanted to be. I don't want to wander if i could've ever made it or if life would've been different if i would've applied myself. Most see me as some dumb kid that's gonna work in a factory all his life. I wanna change that. I want to prove to everyone that i can be what i once talked about so strongly.    

                               JRS                                      

Here's my heart. All my life since i can remember, I've wanted someone to grow old with. Instead of wanting to be a professional wrestler when i was little, I wanted to be a husband and a father. I know tha's weird, but i know in my heart, I'm here to love someone. May that person be Karla? I pray that it is. For this girl, when we were together, made me feel invincable. She made me feel like nothing else in the world could ever go wrong as long as I could look her in the eyes and tell her that i loved her. All my life i've waited to feel that way. I never knew that it would be taken from me so quickly. I often find myself defending her name at work when someone tells me i can find better. I don't want better, nor do i think i could ever find better. There is no better. I am often asked, What makes Karla so special. Well, if anyone must know i will need to start a new paragraph.

                  I've never met anyone that can make my heart melt when they open their mouth to sing. The feeling of safety i got when i would hear her voice or see her face. She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I love the way she handles everything. She is so elagant and quick witted. She's extremely intelligent, though sometimes she chooses not to use it. When she looks into my eyes, she touches my heart. When i held her, we fit together like it was supposed to be. She even got me to dance(though i was extremely reluctant) She has the voice of an angel. She was down to earth. All she had to do was look at me and i couldn't help but smile. When i looked at her, all that would run through my head was how much i loved her. She's the best person to talk to. She always knows what to say. I loved the way she could make her "sad face" snf get me to do just about anything. I love the way she danced. I love.........her. There is nothing in my mind i can find wrong with her. I could go on forever with reasons why she's so awesome. This is why....I can't get over her. In my mind, she is perfect. She deserves a thousand times better than me. She deserves someone that can give her anything and everything. Though i would give her all that i have, i know that i would never have enough to give her. I would honestly give my life for her.   

            If only i could know what i did wrong though. What i did this time to ruin everything. It eats at my heart to know i hurt her somehow. If only somehow i could talk to her without being over come by emotion then maybe i could somehow better understand everything. The heart.....is a difficult thing to understand.

                                                               JRS 

As I look into my heart, I see so many things. I see rage, i see fear, I see strength(though very little) I see sadness, I see loneliness, I see a little child standing in the dark trying to fight his way out to find hope. There are so many things I would love to say, to do, to live, but it seems none of them come. I find myself living underneath a mask tryin to make others smile or maybe...just maybe...make their day a little better. But it seems, the more i try, the worse I feel. I hurt knowing I can't speak my mind without scaring someone. Everyone expects this happy little kid when in all reality, I'm just some given up nobody that hides underneath a smile. I was once the person everyone saw, but inside, it slowly slipped away and is dangerously still slipping. I find myself with crazy off the wall thoughts and often wander if they are normal. Though i know never to act on a feeling of such thought, I often wander....what if I did. As I sit around watching everyone around me, i find myself getting angry.

               At work, I see the one person that made me happy walk by me as if I weren't even there. It makes me feel as if maybe I'm not supposed to be here anymore. Many people tell me not to leave over such a thing, but when I know.....I blew my chance with the love of my life, it hurts to stay. For those of you that read this, know that this is not the only reason I want to leave. I feel I might serve a better purpose elsewhere. I look at what i'm doing here and see nothing. All i'm doing is takin up space. If elsewhere, maybe my pains of this place will dissapear. I know it will not make me forget, but maybe it will help me understand. I often pray for understanding. But the more I try to understand, the more confused I become.

             There are people that are tryin to get me out and see other ppl. But i can't see other ppl. All I can see is her. Knowing that i gave up and settled for something would be my deepest regret. Maybe these are my immaturaties shining through, but i don't care. I'm often told, just wait...things will come....well...i'm seein that that's a load of bull shit.

                   Its crazy how my moods can change on the drop of a pin. I found myself enraged at work today for no simple reason. And sitting here thinking, I become even more pissed off. This is how i know.....I can't stay here. I take my asvap Monday, and hopefully soon after i will leave. Unless things change and somethin happens, I am really gone this time. And i highly doubt anything will happen in a week. All I have here anymore is heartbreak and bad memories. Though i have some good, the bad covers most of it. I guess that's all my vent for the day.

                                                              JRS